Waiting until marriage for sex – why it’s worth it
A newlywed continues sharing why he saved sex for marriage.
Avengers: Endgame was a once-in-a-generation phenomenon. Seen by seemingly everyone, everywhere, it’s now the number 1 highest-grossing film of all time worldwide. In the weeks following its release, cinemas were regularly sold out, and people had to wait to see it. I was amazed by something in those weeks: On all social media - be it Facebook, my Twitter feed, Instagram or Reddit - I saw no spoilers whatsoever. After a decade of anticipation, it’s like the whole world came together to do “whatever it takes” to prevent spoilers getting out, even weeks after the fact. And I think that’s because people recognised that spoilers would ruin others’ enjoyment of this once-in-a-lifetime moment. People waited ten years for Endgame, and everyone knew that, knowing anything about the movie ahead of time would take something special away from the experience.
Sex, I think, is like that too: it’s better without spoilers.
The first time someone in the Bible has sex, it’s described as “knowledge”:
Now Adam knew his wife, and she conceived… (Genesis 4:1a)
I can now say that this is more than a simple euphemism. As outlined in my first article, sex is more than just a physical act: it includes a deep, mutual sharing of your most intimate emotional selves. If you have sex with someone, you give that person something deep of yourself that they could never have known otherwise. To be known so deeply, and to still be completely accepted, loved and secure, is one of the greatest treasures of sex within marriage.
My wife and I were both virgins when we got married. Our “knowledge” of the subject was purely theoretical - and even that was pretty sparse. And I count that as a great blessing for two reasons:
Reason 1: No guilt
From the start, God has commanded that sex be reserved for marriage only (Genesis 2:24.) This is carried throughout the Bible (see, e.g. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, 1 Timothy 5:1-2.) Neither my wife nor I had any past sex acts to feel guilty about, either with each other or anyone else. We had not sinned against each other, by using one another to gratify our own wants, without regard to God’s law or the other person’s good. We had not used anyone else, or been used by anyone else in that way. This meant that we, when we got married, and added sex to our relationship, it was pure enjoyment, without a hint of guilt or regret. We could enjoy this gift with a clear conscience.
Reason 2: No questioning
“Am I as good as that other guy was?”
“Is he thinking of that other girl?”
“What was she like when she was with him?”
“What was he like when he was with her?”
Questions like these will almost inevitably come up, even subconsciously, for couples who have sex with someone else. These questions will kill intimacy, and steal away the security and enjoyment that sex is supposed to bring to you and your wife or husband. Some have described pre-marital sleeping-around as, “cheating on your future spouse.” That is maybe a little extreme, but there is some truth behind it. If you choose to have sex with someone who you’re not married to, you’re almost certainly making it harder for your future spouse, if you do eventually get married. Don’t do that to him. Don’t do that to her.
Baggage - better to travel light
If it’s “too late” and you’re already carrying heavy baggage - heavy “knowledge” from past sexual experiences - then you need to know: it’s not too late. God’s grace is more than sufficient, and it is the topic of the final article in this series (coming soon!)
But if you’re reading this, and considering whether you should have sex before you’re married: Don’t do it. Heed the words of Proverbs 5:15-20, where water is used as an analogy for a sex:
Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
My wife and I guarded ourselves jealously before we were married, so that when the time came, we could give ourselves 100% to one another. We are so glad we did. Now, we are entirely satisfied in and by each other, and no-one else. We can enjoy sex purely, with a clear conscience, with no questioning and no regrets. We encourage you to do the same: Don’t waste yourself. Let yourself be fully satisfied only by your husband or wife, and use your sexuality to serve your spouse only.