As a Christian how should I understand and deal with my sexual attraction with my fiance?
Hi! I’ve only just recently discovered that any form of oral sex or even hugging with sexual hints is sinful in the eyes of the church. The moment I realised this I felt lost, confused and very sad. I am a Christian girl - I try to God’s will and I attend mass every Sunday. I’ve been with my fiance (who is also Christian) for four years. We love each other and we speak about everything to each other. We’ve just got engaged and our dream is to get married and start a family. However at the moment it is financially impossible as he still has a year left at University and we do not come from well to do families so we cannot marry soon. We never made love because we are firm against sex before marriage. However it is very difficult not to touch each other or give physical pleasure to each other. We talked through this together and agreed that we are physically loving each other by doing so. It did not happen at the spur of the moment but we had long discussions about it. Up till now we never felt that we were sinning precisely because we feel that we are made for each other. So now that I’ve read that we are sinning it feels like everything is crashing down on me. I don’t know what to do anymore…but I still feel that there is no evil in what we are doing. Please help us.
Thank you for being open about this. I pray that these few Bible references may be of some help for you and your fiancé.
Your attraction to your fiancé is natural and a God given good thing. God created man and woman to be united together emotionally, sexually and relationally as they serve Him. Genesis 2:20-24 makes clear that sex is a good part of God’s creation, however, it was created exclusively for marriage. This means that sex outside of marriage, whether it is pre-marital sex or adultery or otherwise is rejecting God’s design for sex and is sin. [Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5]
The Bible is silent on other matters like hugging or oral sex and whether these things are within the boundaries of ‘sexual immorality’. However, given oral sex is called oral ‘sex’, I would think it’s right to consider it as something to be shared within and confined only to the marriage relationship. It’s a good and right thing that you are abstaining from sexual intercourse until you are married, but I think the Bible points us to the conclusion that you should also abstain from oral sex too. Not only is this the loving thing to do, it is what God wants from you and your relationship until you are married.
I guess the question is what should you do now? Well I think there are a couple of things. Firstly, as Christians, when we sin, a right response to our sin is to repent of it and turn back to God. The good news is if our trust is in Jesus, God forgives our sin, because Jesus died for it. [1 John 1:8-2:2]
Secondly, in 1 Corinthians 6:18 Paul says ‘Flee sexual immorality’. So with that in mind, it would be good to put boundaries in place so you and your fiancé aren’t put in tempting situations in the future. It’s better to stay clear of those situations than to be constantly battling with temptation and risk giving into it. [see also 1 Thess 4:3-4]
Thirdly, I know your fiancé is still at university, but maybe you could consider getting married sooner rather than having an extended engagement. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:9 ‘it’s better to marry than burn in passion’. While it may not be easy financially, in Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus says not to worry about our money, because God will provide us with what we need. Instead we should ‘seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.’
I pray you find this is helpful as you seek to serve the Lord Jesus. I also pray that God will bless your marriage, and that in it you will bring honour to his name as you serve Him together.
Yours in Christ
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